The thing that sucks about being a teacher is that you are just that...
just the teacher.
Sometimes it's just not up to you. Plus, you have to do everything their way. The administration's way. And even when you like your administration, you forget what the heck their way is. This is a double edged sword, because the odds are is that your admin is doing it someone else's way, too. They have to follow some set of rules out there that is set by a person or group of people that they may or may not agree with and that is a whole other slew of problems. And you may or may not know about any of that.
This is my current problem. That and all of the cosmic stars are aligning, so that I look like a real jackass.
The truth is that I have made excellent notes about the Tawanda situation, but my paper trail with actual behavior referrals sucks. I should have done a way better job and I focused far to much on my relationships with my administration and behavior specialists to handle things. I've done a terrible job with documenting her on an hourly basis. (Jeezzz.... I'm a teacher, not a psych warden, ya know?)
It's just so dang overwhelming with all of the other crap. I'm super pissed at myself for not keeping up on these referrals. I'm kicking myself over it. It's way different in this district than it was in my last district, so I have avoided it. Not because I didn't understand it, but because I didn't really remember to go to it as an option. I used to write referrals all the time back at Bowie, but the process is just different here and even though I think it's a better process, it's not one that I ever really got effective at using. Honestly, I ought to use the referral process for my other kids, too.
When Tawanda was better on the medication, there wasn't much to do and I took it for granted. I shouldn't have. When she kicks it into gear, the kid kicks it into gear. Then I tossed out the idea of "right of refusal", back tracked on it, and thought I was going to get a couple of days of her in behavior intervention for her, eh, crimes.
Instead, she just got put back in my class with a stern warning and I've been given a lot of instructions about documentation. If she goes back onto meds, it shouldn't be a huge deal. She is supposed to go back on them on Tuesday morning. In my heart, I have a gut feeling that if she shows up without them that she's gonna get pulled and that is why admin put her in my class again.
Wow.
That actually just hit me.
Part of me thought it was because I was unexpectedly absent yesterday, since my daughter was sick and I was in my observation window and that seems like a jackass move on my part to be out during my window. (Note: I couldn't help it. Nobody could help me and she still needed another day away from daycare.) I guess that is just lingering feelings of paranoia from being at Bowie, where Mrs. Trout just always thought the worst of everyone and Mr. Daniels would try to burn you like you were an ant and he was a magnifying glass, if he thought you were trying to wiggle out of something.
My admin now isn't like that.
Seriously, I over-think things sometimes. You know what they say, your biggest strength is always your greatest weakness. Sometimes, I need to go the simple route. Nice people do nice things. People that have integrity do the right thing when nobody is looking, so just trust that its the right thing even if you don't like it.
Hmmmmm. Back to my epiphany.
I think there is a sizable chance that Friday could be the last day for Tawanda to be in my class. I don't want to baby her. I've thought that before and I did baby her that day.... a little. I don't think it was good for the other kids and perhaps it hurt her somehow. But if I can figure some things out to help her have a great day, then it would be worth the energy.
Just in case.
I know that I complain a lot about my job on this blog. But I love the kids in my class. I love inspiring them to learn and dream about their future and instilling a little bit of hope in their hearts. I lose a grip on what matters from time to time. I have to catch my own heart and put it on a positivity de-fib.
I make choices between what is right for someone else's child and my own and sometimes I feel guilty that I put my kid second. I have to constantly work harder, smarter, faster, and better, so that I can make that choice less and less. I want to serve this community without shorting my own family.
It's tough, but I think I'm getting closer to being able to do it. I think that is why I write this blog. For those days when I do forget, so I can find a little morsel about teaching that reminds why I do it.
Just in case.
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