Fuck my life...

I love my job.  I love my job. I love my job.

Fuck my life.

If I didn't love my job, then fuck my life.

It's a good thing that I love my job and give a fuck about what the hell I do, because otherwise I would just say fuck this shit.

Instead, I'll just go with fuck my life.

My mother read my blog today, while we were in the doctor's office and she just said...

Michelle, you seem a little bit frustrated with your job.

Ain't that the truth?

I got an end of day message from my principal that I was going into my observation window..... TOMORROW!!!

WTF???  Panic mode!

1. Tawanda is a mess.  She is spitting on other kids and out of control.  I can't take my eyes off of her for a second and I think that I am about to lose my mind.

2.  My other kids are a mess.  Tawanda is spitting on the them... seriously?  Can you blame them?

3.  I'm a mess.  I'm disorganized and confused.  One kid has me in a freaking tizzy.  I'm throwing interventions at her left and right, but nothing is working.  I'm staying after school to write soliloquies to her therapist, but to no avail.

I know that I'm doing a good job, but I sure as hell don't want my observation right now.  I've got to act and act fast.  I talk with the structured learning teacher, who is a badass.  She runs down the lists of interventions.  Did you try...

defining the space?
recess detention?
lunch detention?
positive reinforcement?
theft deterrent structures?
positive thinking reinforcements?
cleaning up the mess?
writing an apology letter?
saying sorry?
counseling referral?
behavior documentation?
parent communication?

YEEESSSSSS!!!!!

I rattle off a bunch of other stuff that we do in the classroom.  And then she says those magic words that hadn't occurred to me yet....

You know that you have the right of refusal....

Huh?  Yeah.... but won't that make admin mad at me.

No... in fact, if you just make the case that your kids aren't able to learn, which, obviously, they aren't, and you can show that you have taken the steps to provide appropriate interventions, then you have the right to refuse any student that is preventing instruction and learning from occurring in your classroom.

SWEEEEEEEEETTTTT!!!!!

So, I have to call my mom to get her to take my daughter to the doctor for me so that I can exercise my right of refusal before tomorrow by meeting with someone on admin.   Which brings me to the point where I am saying to my mother how frustrated I am once I finally do make it to the doctor's office.

Because even after I get the sweet respite that I won't have Tawanda in my class tomorrow, I still find out that my kid is sick and running a fever and have to plan with my folks how to stay home with her and wake up early tomorrow so I can go in early and get things ready just in case I get observed, so I won't be panicky.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.  And Tawanda... she's gonna need it.  She's going to be in the structured classroom for a while it seems.

Yeah, well....

So much for leaving on time today.  Arrived 7:10 am.  Left 6:00 pm.  It's my own damn fault for not having my plans done, for having to have tutoring on Mondays, and for being absolutely unable to walk out the door when I know my principal is looking for something from me.  It's the I cannot fail disease.  When you are the only income, I guess that is a good disease to have.  Even if you want to have the I don't give a fucking fuck disease, in my case it's probably better to come down with a bad case of cannot-fail.

Gonna go get baby girl out of the crib and snuggle her tonight.  Hopefully, she won't crawl out of my bed.  Matt and my mom tell me that if they aren't falling off of the bed then you aren't doing something right.  I think that's what they tell me.  Maybe it's just... if she falls off of the the bed, you aren't the absolute worst mother in the world.  Eh, I'll take either one.

Maybe I can vaccinate myself with some, totally organized, completely efficient, always focused and clear headed disease so that I can actually just take a breath and work like a normal person for once.

FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK my life (sometimes.... not all the time... just till I get my shit in gear.)